please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
Randomize
