So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Randomize
