The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
Find out what day classes start and I will come down to Richmond that weekend. Any broad who claims to be 18-21 will be promptly ID'd. My job has trained me to spot a fake from a mile away, and I don't need a statutory rape charge.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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