Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
Different chick, same blowjob, same parking lot.
your youtube search consisted of "food slideshow" and "the angry beavers"
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
