I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
Mom said you looked used
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
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