So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
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