Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
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Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
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I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
Randomize