i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
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