you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
