im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
Randomize
