so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
Randomize
