she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night