i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
Randomize
