when im bored during the day i often think, what do people who dont get high do with their day.. i came to the conlcusion that everyone must be getting high
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
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