I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
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