Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
They left me at home... I'm a liability
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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