just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
Banned from zoo.
Again?
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Randomize
