Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Randomize
