apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
Randomize
