Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
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