..well, okay, so long as I don't have to wear an apron or vaccum in high heels.
nope just do me i'm drunk and easy to plz
She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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