wrigley field is MILF paradise
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
Your kinda stuck between a rock and his hard dick on this one..
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
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