i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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