Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
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Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
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Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
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