Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
