I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
Randomize
