At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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