so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
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