Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
how drunk are you?
Several
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Randomize
