I puked a lego.
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
Randomize
