she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
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Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
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I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
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