It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
Randomize