I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
I'll bet she douches with gravy.
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
