Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
She announced her abortion via fbk
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
