not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
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I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
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College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
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