a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
Randomize
