I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
