The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
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