Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
