we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
My penis needs a shock collar
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
These tits shall not be calmed
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
Randomize
