god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
Randomize
