we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
Yeah its great. Whenever we want a new bowl we hand it to Trevor and he clears it in one hit. Definitely one of the benefits to having a swimmer in your circle.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize
