Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
I need to calm my uterus...
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
