I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
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