The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
susan atkins died, charles manson's lady
dont cry, there are other serial killers to crush on.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
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