how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
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