census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
I may have discovered that porn hub is on my top visited sites during class this morning.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
