i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
Randomize
