Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
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