Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
All I'm saying is that she needs to invest in some razors. But her head game is great. The pros and cons in last minute hook-ups
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Randomize
