WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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