the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
