Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
VAGINAS EVERYWHERE
they're staring at me
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Randomize
