I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
Randomize
