she woke up with a sticky ear
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
