i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
Randomize
