Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
Pants are for mortals
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
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