I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
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