Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize
